she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
where does the pee come out of this thing
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
