I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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