I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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