I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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