i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Enjoy the penises
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
