if i can run in heels then i can drive
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
