The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
this just has baby written all over it
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
