I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
