he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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