remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
