This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
