I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
