I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
