The brown eye won't let me do that either.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
