Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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