Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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