I'm eating all of the evidence.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
