I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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