apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
