I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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