Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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