I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Drunk is not a location!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
