nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
