I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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