Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
