I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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