I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
