What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
