how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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