You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
