I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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