literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
