There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
