so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
