i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
