god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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