peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize
