Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
