You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
