did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
