my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
