How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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