Tell her she can't have a vagina
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
