I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
