the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
We were destined to go to rehab together
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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