When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
