idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
