I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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