I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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