The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
