I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
